seeing the world upside down

Conversion is a bit like seeing the world upside down. Something once familiar is now familiar, but not.

I once heard a story about St. Francis of Assisi, that after his conversion he came out from a cave and saw the world suddenly as if it were upside down. Completely differently. He saw at once the world’s utter dependence on God as it all seemed to be hanging from the sky.

I am seeing the world upside down. In fact, I feel as though I’ve been placed in a dark place, shaken, and then released again with no wits about me.

the first Sunday

It started because I felt called to go to Mass just before the start of Lent. My heart was open and the readings of the Old Testament hit me:

when the people of Nineveh believed God;
they proclaimed a fast
and all of them, great and small, put on sackcloth.

Jonah 3:5

Sniffling and wiping tears from my eyes, I repented. In my heart, I repented. I had been running from God, I realized. And the Church was the truth.

I had run away from God and entered the New Age. Manifestation and oracle cards and shamanism took God’s place. I had been deceived by new age teachers.

I convinced myself that I was wrong for having been Catholic, that maybe God did not exist in the personal way that I had known him, that all the signs and communication I had received from him had been mere manifestations and that the relationship I had with God was not real. Looking for replacements for God, I filled up my life with pleasure seeking and amusement.

the second Sunday

I left Mass that day knowing I would be back soon. Two weeks later I cried at Mass again. This time the readings that struck me were:

A leper came to Jesus and kneeling down begged him and said,
“If you wish, you can make me clean.”
Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, 
touched him, and said to him, 
“I do will it. Be made clean.”
The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean.
Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed him at once.

Mark 1:40-43

I knew, suddenly, that the anxiety that I had been battling for the last four years was the result of sin that I committed, and the lifestyle I was living. I knew Jesus could heal my anxiety.

I thought about how Jesus had fasted in the desert for forty days and had not given in to temptation. I had given in to temptation. Satan in the desert offered Jesus the whole world in exchange for following him. Jesus refused, but I had traded God for Satan, manifesting my desires rather than leaving them to prayer and God’s will.

Deliberate manifestation is an act of distrust in God, controlling outcomes rather than relying on him. It’s demanding your inheritance from the Father while he is yet alive just as the Prodigal Son did.

anointing of the sick

After Mass there was an anointing of the sick. “All who are struggling with illness of the body or mind may stay after Mass to receive the anointing of the sick,” Father said. It was the first time I received the sacrament. “It would be okay to receive it,” I thought, “for my anxiety.” Hiding my tears I walked down the aisle, extended by hands and received healing oil. Father said the prayer over me.

One of the lines of prayer mentioned that if there were any unclean spirits present that they would leave. I thought that maybe I had been afflicted by something like that, having dabbled in oracle cards and other practices.

the cave

I have come out of these weeks of Mass and prayer walking on my hands, repenting and ridding my home of the new age things that I had been depending on for the last four years.

Mumford and Sons famously say this of St. Francis:

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land

Mumford and Sons, The Cave

I am making a new life as a new creation in Christ once again.